hari ni saya ajar diri sendiri untuk limitkan fikiran. no more overthinking. even i can't lie to myself. i called qatam, she said the same thing. ayat cliche, jangan fikir bukan bukan. but still, the worry and gundah gulana punya perasaan is still there kan ? if i can limit all those thinking, it would be much much easy, but yeah, i can't. doing other things, trying to sleep, just to forget, tak berguna langsung. dia muncul muncul and muncul. one thing for sure, penat. penat lari dari realiti, penat lari dari pemikiran sendiri, penat tipu orang lain, penat berkerut untuk berfikir.
i really dont know what is wrong with me but everything is blur. i can't even concentrate in my classes, can't smile for no reason. because all my brain is doing is thinking and thinking. and the most annoying part is thinking about something that i was not supposed to. thinking about someone that i don't have any relationship with. i know, its a waste of time, tapi kalau boleh kalau segala medulla oblongata, thalamus, kan boleh. ni tak. and another worst part, i keep on thinking when i was all alone. kalau ada friends beside takpe, i'll try to 'be happy' tapi bila sorang sorang, siapa yang nak ditipu ?
actually, saya marah dekat diri sendiri. marah sangat. sebab degil sangat, sebab tak reti nak kawal perasaan, sebab buat benda yang tak patut, sebab konfius kan diri sendiri dengan benda yang remeh temeh ni. beratnya dugaan nak final this time. dengan big test tomorrow, now i'm stuck dekat blogger. cause i really cannot stand anymore. like i said before, its killing inside. betul, sometimes i feel like tengah bunuh diri senyap senyap dari dalam. if i can't stay focus for the next few days, macamana nak excel for exams ? with IELTS things lagi ? *sigh*
i feel like crying right now, tapi i have to be strong. 19 tahun saya boleh hidup dengan tabahnya, takan tak boleh nak hadapi 2-3 hari dengan tabahnya jugak kan ? saya kuat saya kuat saya kuat. tapi saya jugak tipu. tapi tak salah nak sedapkan hati kan ? felling like totally a loser sekarang. macam pasir dekat pantai, yang kejap terbang dek angin, kejap basah dek laut. yang pasti, the one people dont care about.
mood swing ni memang the best killer and i should protect myself well. all i'm asking is just one. pray for me. for success, for happiness, for calmness, for everything lahh. =D
